If Only For Tonight
by mdelpin
Summary: Erik has made his peace with himself, but he is becoming increasingly concerned at Jellal's inability to do the same. He tries to talk some sense into him. Entry for Jerik Week 2019


Jerik Week 2019

Prompt: Pinned to the Past

Erik was used to noise. It was always working its way into his head like a friend that has worn out his welcome, but no amount of urging could get to leave. Not that he really knew what it meant to have friends. Even the other members of Oracion Seis were only people he had grown up with and therefore only tolerated because they shared a purpose.

The majority of people went through life wearing a mask, one they hid behind, secure in the knowledge most people couldn't see through it. But Erik wasn't most people. Ever since the dragon lacrima had been implanted inside him, he'd gained the ability or rather the curse to hear people's thoughts. That was a heavy burden for anyone to bear, but especially more so for someone who was never really been taught how to control it.

To hear so many thoughts all at once was overwhelming, so the best strategy he had devised was to focus on one voice, it didn't matter whose. It helped with the noise, but not with his attitude. Most people were inherently ugly on the inside, their thoughts a testament to all their insecurities and Erik assimilated all of it. Sometimes he wondered if the poison his body created was a side effect of all the sins and negativity he absorbed regularly. His own thoughts, when he could manage to hear them were but a whisper in comparison.

So as much as he could, Erik kept himself isolated. The time he'd spent in prison had been blissfully quiet. For the first time in a long while he'd been able to hear his thoughts loud and clear.

Trapped within the confines of his magic sealing cell, Erik had finally been able to experience freedom. He'd used his incarceration to think about who he'd been before he'd been corrupted by Jellal and the Tower of Heaven.

Even as he grieved for the child he'd never been allowed to be, Erik knew the path he had chosen had been incorrect. And he wanted to do better for the man he was, wanted to be able to hold his head up high. He decided then he needed to make up for his sins.

When Erik had reunited with his guildmates, they had all grudgingly agreed to follow Jellal in his quest to find Zeref. For a long time, Erik had hated Jellal, had blamed him for every bad thing that had ever happened to him, but he slowly found that changing. He had grown to accept his own mistakes and embrace the fact that Jellal perhaps was not what they had all assumed. Not because of anything Jellal ever said, at least not out loud, but because of the thoughts that only Erik could hear.

Each thought was a silent confession that Jellal couldn't help but know Erik could hear. Slowly, he found himself becoming interested in the man.

Jellal wore a mask just like everyone else, but he was a conundrum. He purposefully acted the part of the villain so that the people he felt he'd wronged could get their closure. Then he interiorized every hateful world they hurled at him.

In his most private thoughts, Jellal held a self-hatred so deep it sometimes worried Erik. And now that they were part of the same guild, Erik found himself focusing on Jella's thoughts more and more, already tired of the thoughts of Sorano and the others.

His attention did not go unnoticed, he'd already heard Jellal wondering about it, but Erik didn't worry too much. He'd been startled a few times to hear Jellal's voice in his head, his way of warning Erik he knew what the dragon slayer was up to. Rather than getting embarrassed, Erik would only smile and wave at the intrusion.

With time he noticed with growing confusion that some of the thoughts that Jellal had once linked to Erza had started to shift towards him and this bewildered Erik considerably. Was it some sort of tactic by Jellal to ensure Erik got out of his head, or was it something else?

Erik didn't understand why he cared so much about this man. Maybe it was because like him Jellal was a better man than people gave him credit for. Or perhaps it was because he understood how it felt to be manipulated by others.

Any way you looked at it, Jellal had been as much of a victim as any of them. He had been brainwashed to be evil, but with the help of Erza and her new friends, he had managed to rise above it. Jellal's problem lay in that he didn't believe he deserved forgiveness. Not from Erza or anyone else involved in the Tower of Heaven, and while there was a time when Erik would have agreed with him, that time was long past.

With the creation of Crime Sorciere, Jellal had given them all a tool to move forward. To put the sins they had committed behind them and replace them with acts they could be proud of, and that is precisely what they were doing. Erik just wished that Jellal would allow himself the same mercy.

For the first time since he had acquired his magic, Erik felt the desire to act on the information he couldn't help but hear. To take whatever feelings had created this attachment he couldn't seem to escape and try to make Jellal see what they all saw.

He asked Macbeth to let him take over his lookout duty, knowing that Jellal often had trouble sleeping and would sometimes engage Macbeth in conversation. Macbeth had merely raised an eyebrow before shrugging in apathy and heading to his tent to join the other guild members in sleep.

Erik sat down by the fire, holding his hands out and enjoying the warmth. With everyone asleep, the night was unexpectedly quiet, and he extended his senses out through the woods where they were camping, trying to pick up any human smells or stray thoughts that would alert him to someone being nearby.

Once he was satisfied they were alone, Erik settled down to wait. It was at times like this that he missed the quiet companionship of Cubelios, and he spared a thought to the woman his snake had become. Or had she always been a woman caught in an enchantment? He'd never quite understood what had happened.

O-o

Jellal stared at the stars through the fabric of his tent, but just like every other night, they failed to offer him any comfort. Tired of laying down he decided to go keep Macbeth some company, maybe bum a cigarette. If nothing else the crackling of the fire always calmed him down. He had a feeling Natsu would understand what he meant.

Once out of the cramped space, he stretched his limbs and began walking towards Macbeth, stopping in midstep as he recognized Erik sitting where Macbeth would usually be lounging lazily.

_Shit!_

It sounded loud in his own head, so he wasn't surprised to see Erik startle and search him out. Jellal tried to shield his thoughts as much as he could, although he was well aware that it was pointless.

It was so frustrating that he was incapable of hiding his thoughts around the man, giving Erik an unobstructed view of who Jellal was. Something he tried to avoid at all costs.

More vexing to him was the fact that even armed with this knowledge, Erik acted no differently towards him. Just what did that mean? Not knowing made him feel very awkward and uncomfortable around the dragon slayer.

Erik chuckled at him, acting amused by his discomfort and as he patted the ground next to him in an inviting gesture, he commented, "Beautiful night, don't you think?"

_Is he coming on to me?_

Jellal regarded him warily, once again cursing himself for not being able to restrain his thoughts, especially when he could see the mirth in Erik's eyes.

"Would you like me to?" Erik replied as if Jellal had spoken out loud, not bothering to contain his smirk.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you it's rude to go where you're not invited?" Jellal snapped, but he resigned himself to the conversation and sat down, keeping his eyes trained on the dancing flames of their campfire.

"No one ever taught me shit. We were slaves, remember?" Erik fumbled in his coat for a cigarette.

"It's still rude," Jellal grumbled, and then in a quieter voice he found the courage to finally say what had been bothering him since Erik had joined Crime Sorciere, "I don't like having someone in my head."

"Shit, I'm sorry. I forgot," Erik paled and quickly apologized, making Jellal think he'd understood his implication, "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I tried," Jellal declared honestly, thinking of the times he'd reached out to Erik with his telepathy only to have the dragon slayer not take him seriously.

"Oh."

"I'm curious though, what is it you're expecting to find?" Jellal pointed at Erik's cigarette, which he had yet to light, and Erik grabbed another one from his pack and handed it over. Jellal called on his fire magic, invoking a small flame on his index finger which he used to light his cigarette, he waited for Erik to do the same before dispelling it.

"I don't know," Erik shrugged, "You're different from everyone else, and that is both refreshing and worrisome."

Jellal didn't quite know how to interpret Erik's words.

"Ever since I've had this magic, my mind, it was always too loud. And it wasn't even my words, you know? It was everyone else's. Most of the time, I couldn't even hear myself think." Erik took a drag from his cigarette, "It was maddening. It was only when I began to learn to focus on one voice and block out the rest that it got a bit better."

Jellal nodded in acceptance of his explanation, "That still doesn't explain why me?"

Erik thought about it briefly, "I've known most of these other guys for years, but you, you are fascinating. The way you think is so twisted, I just got caught up in it."

"Twisted?" Jellal stiffened at the word, but on further analysis decided he liked it. Yes, he was twisted and wicked. Unworthy. It sounded right. He began to listen eagerly, waiting for Erik to validate his feelings. He was a tad surprised to not have Erik retort, and he wondered if he had actually heeded his request to stay out of his mind. He hoped so.

"Surely you must realize that?" Erik studied Jellal as he rambled on in disbelief, "You constantly blame yourself for things that are outside of your control. And even though you've dedicated yourself to making amends for your actions, you refuse to accept that you deserve to ever be forgiven."

"All of us here," Erik pointed to their small camp, "we all forgave you long ago. We aren't innocent either, but if you don't allow for the possibility that we can become worthy of forgiveness, of love, of _life_ through our actions, then what's the fucking point? Frankly, I worry about you."

Jellal stared at Erik in surprise, that was probably the most words he'd heard come out of the dragon slayer since they'd met. Erik must have realized this too because he was suddenly hiding behind the smoke that curled from his cigarette.

Erik was worried about him? Why? And how on Earthland had he forgiven him? Jellal had enslaved Erik as a child, had handed him over to Brain without a second thought. Hell, every single bad thing that had ever happened to Erik could probably be attributed back to him somehow. Did he not see that? He felt unsettled, as the guilt that he felt almost all the time weighed him down, making him feel like he was trying to tread on shaky ground.

He took a drag from his cigarette, and he was dismayed to see his hand trembling, "I don't deserve forgiveness," Jellal snapped at Erik before whispering, " People died, _friends _died. They didn't get a happy ever after, why should I?"

Erik thwacked him upside the head ignoring his glare, "Stop that! How many lives have you saved since?"

Jellal couldn't answer that because the truth was it didn't matter how many lives he'd saved or how many more he would save before he died. It would never be enough to make up for his sins.

He could feel Erik studying him, and he resigned himself to another lecture, one that thankfully never came. Instead, he felt a warm hand cover his and squeeze it tightly before letting go.

Jellal turned his head and saw Erik staring into the fire before turning to look at him, his features hardened into a determined expression, "I've done many things I'm not proud of, and I will continue to try to make up for them. This guild you created, it's allowed me to do that, to have a second chance, and I _will_ see you get yours."

Jellal sighed, wishing people would just leave him alone for once, but he couldn't help but let Erik's words affect him, and this time it was him that reached for the other's hand.

It was tentative, the way their fingers brushed against each other. New and confusing in ways he wasn't sure about, and he found himself weakening as they sat in companionable silence with the crackling of the fire and the sounds of nature all around them. Maybe even if it was only for tonight, he could pretend he was worthy of this forgiveness.


End file.
